Online Health Advice > Can you just tell me what you think about this > ADHD Questions

i feel like i am ready to start being totally honest with myself in the past 5 years especially i feel like i have had to make up lies for people to like me i have lied to myself more than anyone else by telling myself that i am fine when really i am really f**ked up i cant think of any good examples at the moment so i am going to keep writing and im sure they will come out ill start by what happend tonight i was talking online to a friend that i made while i was racing go karts her name is ashley we were talking just catching up on things because she joined the army and she is in washington and i have not seen her in a long time or talked to her in a long time we were talkign about the days when we raced and how much fun we had and i brought up my friend randy who really hurt me by takign my girlfriend away from me but the relationship that me and nicole had was not even a good relationship we dated for i think 3 months and i never even kissed her she was one big mindgame and at the time me and randy worked together at the golf course and one morning we were walking into work and right as we passed the electric meter he said "oh by the way im dating nicole" and i said "oh thats cool" but it was not i was under the understanding that me and nicole were still in a relationship and i didnt say anything to him so we walked into work and started the day he went out mowing adn i got into a cart to fix divots with mike chirdullo and wehn we were driving on our way to fix divots i told him what happend and i dont remember what he said to me but we were drivign up the 1st fairway and randy was there on a mower and he stopped and mike said to him that it was f**ked up what he did and randy said nothing and i said nothign but really i wanted to just jump off the cart and beat the shit out of him but i didnt i never stood up to him ever in our entire friendship but he always stood up to me and told me when i did something wrong or wehn he thought i did something wrong and i never did something i am doing different here than any other journal entry i made is that i am not going back to fix anything so i am probably going to mention somethings twice or contradict what i said but i just want this to come out the first time honestly what i am thinking and not me editing what i want you to see because in the past i was scared what people would think of me especially doctors i always felt that if i told a doctor what i was really thinking that i would be locked up forever but in the past year i have had recurring thoughts about how i would be alone all through my 20s and i would just end up killing myself either when my mom died or when i got bored with life and i really believed that i really did and i still do i just thought that yesterday at dinner i was eating my corned beef and cabbage and my parents my dad mainly would not stop hasseling me about getting a job and that has been the fact since i got fired from home depot for failing a drug test everyday telling me about how i am costing him money and i am making him broke slowly but surely and that makes me feel like shit but at the same time it makes me not care right now what i am thinking is that one of the two people that should love me no matter what doesnt love me both my parents call me names but my dad is more focused on me just getting a job and getting out of the house and moving on while my mom just attacks me and when i confront her about it she always says that i provoked her and thats why she did it for a long time in therapy with dr stillman i just wanted my mom to admit that she was wrong and she never would ever ever do taht ever it didnt matter what the problem was but i always started it by provoking her and she was justifed in saying what she would say adn that hurt me too it made me feel like she was a girl i went to school with instead of my mother she feels that if she buys me something i should treat her different and be grateful i agree with teh grateful part to an extent but the fact that i should love her more thats what i feel like she is trying to do i feel like she is trying to buy my love when really she is the only person in the world that i really love no matter what she wouldnt have to do anything just as long as she is there for me i feel that that last line is a cop out i love my mom and i love my dad and i love my sisters very much i jsut have a different opinion of each of them ill start with my sister layna, layna is the most immature person i know when we are alone we are best friends i always watched what i said around her because she is a gossip queen and what you tell her the whole world knows so when i tried to commit suicide both my sisters and their families came up from virginia to be with me or so i would like to think but when she came up and my family came to visit me in the hospital the big things that stick out that i remember are these

layna felt that she had to better me she was in the hospital too right around my age also for a suicide attempt and what i remember most is after they all came to visit me i was told by my mom or my sister lisa that my sister layna cried after she left and i think that i remember it was because she thought i didnt love her and i really think but im not sure but i think thats what she was crying for at that instant i realized that she doent care about anyone but herself the reason i say this is because she always extends herself to me by saying that she is always there to talk to me but i feel that she is going to tell everyone and their sister about what i said i just dont trust her

i do trust my sister lisa to an extent i feel more comfortable with her because i feel like me and her are the smart ones in the family i feel like the smartest because i feel that i have been through the most and i simply based that on nothing other than the fact that i have been through alot and i have been in therapy for a long time and i am still the youngest i feel smart because i am very familiar with medical terminology and i am very in touch with my own mind and lastly because i have a high iq i always used to think just because i have a high iq i am smart but lately i feel that an iq doesnt mean shit its how you apply yourself and how you view others and how they work i am good at that but i have never really come across something that i was not able to do i never really had to try at anything it all just felt natural to me so i remember once when i was reading about iq how there were two different categories of iq and they were both combined to get the resulting number that is your iq and i remember that i felt that the one category at least in myown head was way more advanced than the other i remember that when i took my iq test in high school with mr jordan who was teh school psychologist i did better on the timed exersizes than like the spelling parts and the writing parts i was more hands where i didnt really have to think like the stuff that just came natural and i remember one thing specifically when taking the test it was the wisc 3 test i think and one of the last things i had to do was putting together a puzzle of a face and i put the lips on upside down and i didnt realize it until mr jordan told me or showed me or maybe he didnt it might have been when he flipped it over to get the nubmer pattern on teh back there was a contour on the upper lip im not sure what that is called but i put that on upside down and i asked him how much that affected my iq and it was 10 points different and that really bugged me i always wanted to be teh best at everything i did but i wanted to do the least amount of work to get there i have been having delusions alot in the past years and still currently have them where i either get 3 wishes or someone famous or wealthy just comes knocking on my door and wants to hand me millions of dollars and when i have the wish delusion i dont even take 3 i only ever take one and its always the same and it is that i will be successful at what ever i try but by successful i dont mean that like walk in and work at anything and become succesful one main thing that i think about is how i could cure cancer with just a basic household remedy but i dont want to cure cancer for the main reason everyone would think which is to make people better i always think that i want to cure cancer so that i could keep the recipie to myself adn get rich off it and be famous but hated at the same time another one is that i could have a healing touch like jesus but similar to the cure to cancer thoughts i would not go around helping everyone that i could i would only help the rich and famous so that i could make money off them and thats it

back to my sister lisa she is a nurse and she worked for everything she has i respect her for that and i want to be successful like she is but i dont want to put in the work she had to deal with my parents at their strictest she was the first child so she didnt get to play the blame game like me and layna did she got the least and she is the most successful out of the three of us she was not always open right away with everything but if i had a problem she would come forward and relate to me and tell me about her experience with that problem when i was in the hospital my family came and visited me everyday and i thought i wanted to be alone so one day i said to the doctors adn i called my parents and said that I DID NOT WANT ANYONE TO COME TODAY i felt taht i just needed a day to myself and visiting time came and i got out of a group meeting and my sister lisa was there at first i was very mad but when i went over and said that to her that i wanted to be alone she basically said i dont care but not in those words she really showed me how much she cared about me and i remember that it may sound strange but it really meant somethign to me i dont know how to explain it

another thing that sticks out about my first stay in the hospital after my suicide attempt was when my parents came i dont remember exactly what happend but i got moved up to level 3 and i was able to leave the floor and get out of the unit with a family member and i wanted to have a cigarette adn my mom said to someone i think it was my sister lisa that she felt the only reason i wanted her there was so that i could go out and have a cigarette in a way she was right when i was in there i just wanted to be alone i wanted to be away from my family but when they came i was happy

all my highs are short lived the night before i tried to kill myself i went out to dinner with my parents and their friends sally john barbara and tommy and heather(sally and johns daughter) and i had a great time i remember talking about the halloween party that was coming up and it was a costume party and i was excited about going but shortly after leaving i felt like shit again and that is consistant with prior experiences where i would be very happy and then very depressed it sounds very manic depressive but i never formally got that diagnosis from any of my doctors i was bounced around from add to adhd to depressed to havign a fluctuating mood from going to very angry for no reason to beign very happy for no reason

another big problem is that i tell my mother everything i mean everything i think this is because i have not had a real relationship with a girl or a true friendship with a guy i feel like i cant trust anyone other than my mother but not just trust i feel that she is the only person that wont judge me no matter what i say i always felt like if i really told someone what was going on inside my head that i would be locked up forever.

can you tell me what you think i wrote that the other night when i was having a moment of clarity