First let me say I am so sorry for your loss. As parents we absorb a child's pain and ilness and feel it first hand. I'm sorry you are facing this alone while also grieving for your husband.
Therapy is definately the first step, and applaud you for providing your child with this resource immediately.
Your son is probably suffering from some dgree of PTSD, though it is difficult to determine what if any long term negative effects he may experience.
The pants-soiling issue falls under regression, which is a very common reaction for children in his age group. This should resolve as he works through his grief. You can discuss behavior modification treatments with his therapist as one option. To best address the issue at home you may ask yourself, what is his payoff for this behavior? Even if he is unaware on a concious level there is some positive re-inforcement that outweighs the negative. Does he get to leave school, avoid social situations?
Does he want to alienate people and keep them at a distance? Is he longing for the care you provided (like changing his soiled diaper) when he was younger and his life was secure and safe? Is he testing your love or proving to himself that he can rely on you?
I'm not suggesting that you probe him for this info or try to discuss it with him outside of therapy. However, if you can recognize the reward maybe you can replace it in other ways.
Other common reactions to grief or trauma in children his age include:
social isolation
school avoidance
desperation for constant attention of survivng parent, and reassurance of that parent's love and constancy
headache and physical complaints
aggressive behavior
thumb sucking, whining,, clinging to a possesion (blanket, stuffed animal)
fear/feeling of impending doom and fear/anxiety out of proportion to situations
For your part try the following:
If you have family or a support network, utilize it. Make sure you are all on the same page though when it comes to questions/explanations and management of his reaction and grief.
Set and maintain routines He probably feels out of control and anxious and will look for areas of his life he can control. Give him a positive control to cling to.
Manage seperations carefully, and avoid unexplained or unexpected absences when possible.
Be honest and provide age appropriate information whenever requested. He will make up his own versions of events if one is not available. But: keep it simple. He needs the truth, but limited details.
Remind him that he bears no fault for his father's death, or any sadness he senses in the home while you continue to grieve. Children often believe they are the cause of all of the events around them.
Help him express feelings in healthy ways. Label feelings, help him identify how his body feels when overwhelmed by strong emotions. Then offer physical and amotional comfort.
Set limits, and avoid guilt based parenting (trying to compensate for his loss by overindulgence). However he may be too overwhelmed to control some regressive behaviors, and punishing these bahaviors won't help. His therapist can advise you when he is ready for intervention on various behaviors. Keep a journal of information so you have an accurate record to review and share with his Dr.
Help him master activities or skills, and provide experiences that build his confidence, and make him feel capable of managing difficult times.
Schedule play sessions with you, trusted adults and eventually friends. Make these times completely carefree and focused on fun.
The prognosis for overcoming childhood trauma is good when professional help is utilized and the remaining parent is aware of the potential problems. You seem commited toaddressing this issue head on, and I think this will be the deciding factor in his recovery.
Take care of yourself. He will model your behavior and internalize your moods and behavior. You don't have to fake happiness, or gloss over your feelings. Just acknowledge and changes in mood, verbalize them, there reason and your plan for feeling better.
A support group may help emotionally as well as provide a information resouorce. To find a group in your area try:
www.selfhelpgroups.org
(a national clearinghouse)
Or:
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/penpal.html
This is a women only penpal support network-especially good if groups make you uncomfortable or you have time limitations.
My heart goes out to you. I hope these answers help. Please contact me if you need more and keep in touch if you like.
I hope my information is helpful. If you have more questions, just ask! I will gladly help, otherwise please click "accept".
Positive feedback and any bonus would be appreciated. Thank you, Christy