I have always been very shy. I had no trouble making friends in my younger years..Im 21.
I became friends with two girls and spent just about every day with them for at least 4 years. We were all best friends and I guess you could call it sisters.
At about 16 I was doing the whole party thing.. smoking pot blah blah.. And eventually over time my social anxiety and fear of rejection got SO bad I look back and see how it has just about ruined my life up to this point I need help. I don't know where to go.
At 16 I became so fearful of rejection I stopped hanging out with those two girls.. that were as close as family. I couldn't party.. socialize.. And if I took ONE hit of pot I was full of anxiety and delusions. I haven't done drugs or drink since.
I met a guy.. who was just prince charming.. Completely swept me off of my feet we were both head over heels in love. At that point in my life he inspired me to do great things. I got an amazing job for my age (18) had so much self confidence..
Then.. I noticed on the weekends he would completley dissapear.. Because I depended on him so much for my success.. with work and confidence you could imagine what this did to me.... I was in turmoil every weekend.... As a matter of fact that great job I had... I quit because I was too depressed... besides Without him I was nothing or at least I felt that way.. How could I communicate with others? Feel pretty? Confident? Special?
It just went downhill from there..
He just went longer and longer periods of time without me... And when we did speak he would call me fat, ugly... so much that I had lost about 30 pounds.. I was not healthy... this was for about a year.... He continued to drink.. do drugs.. and eventually get addicted to crack... I never go to house for fear that im not good enough.. im afraid Ill make a fool of myself and humiliate him... I have problems I know....
No friends... I work full time and I can't seem to get my self back to where I was....
Now he seems to be doing better...
And Im just getting worse.. It went from me wanted him to spend more time with me stp drinking and help me.... From If he's not doing bad things than he wont need me which will make me unimportant.. without any attention from him.. and I wont be loved or NEEDED. I really really need help................... I just don't know where to go or how to explain this to anyone
I want a family... a husband... but if I don't feel worthy of that type of life I will never have it! I know this............... How do I get back to feeling worthy without depending on someone??????
Optional Information:
Female, Age: 21, New Jersey
Already Tried:
50 mg zoloft.
Took mothers paxil 40 mg without her know seemed to help me more
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